The Sun God

My life has been a venture through the woods,
Never finding a way out.
I've just been stuck in the thick of it all.
Surrounded.

The sun and the moon,
They yell instructions.
Ways to escape.
Which paths to take,
what rivers to cross.
But the moon is pulling me one way
And the sun the other.

I am suffocating in the brush.
I can not see from their perspectives.
I know not where I am going,
Only where I am being led.
I rely on two opposing factors.

Only when the sun and the moon
Are enlightened upon the same goal
Will I ever reach freedom.

I shall never escape.

My joints are creaking and my lips are chapped.
I'm ready for a new phase of life.

Another Nightmare.

My clothes are wet from the rain.
I'm blinded.
You smell of cologne and cigarettes.
The seats of your cheap car scratch my bare thighs.
My mind sways.
I reach out to steady myself.
My hand rests on the dashboard.
You reach out to cover it with yours.
I can't feel.
I can't breathe.
I look into your eyes.
That's the last thing I remember.

I-57

The blue/black sky makes me think of my childhood.
It's simple
But feels as if it goes on forever,
Full of wondrous stars and memories.


My eyes burn from staring straight forward.

I want to walk until I can't feel my legs.
Until the wind whips just hard enough at my face.
Until my cheeks start to lose the warmth they usually possess.
My toes won't be able to keep balance anymore.
My lips won't be able to form words.
My eyes will blink fast, pushing back tears
That were brought forth by fear and the chilled air.
My movement will slow into a stand still.
My brain will void all doubt. All thought.
My heart won't be able to handle the cold air.
My heart won't be able to handle your cold nature.
It will make one last leap of faith and plummet,
Desperately groping for something to hold on to all the way down.
I will stop trying.
I will stop failing
I will stop worrying.
I want to stop worrying.


But instead, I came inside.
Instead, I sat down.

As much as I wish I could,
I will never be able to leave.

You are my greatest weakness.

The thought came to me before I could stop myself.
I was scared that I had thought it but my fear did not change my mind.


"What's the point?"

3:51 AM

I love being cold.
I adore breathing in the stimulating midnight air.
To feel my comforter tangled with my sheets and my limbs.
Although, it is not comforting yet as it is just as cold as the air surrounding us,
Once my body shares some of its warmth
The comfort will paralyze me for as long as I wish.

My body longs for November.

Revel in the songs of the cicadas.
They will lull you into slumber deeper than any fairytale.

yearning

-noun
1. deep longing especially when accompanied by tenderness or sadness.
2. an instance of such longing.

-synonyms
1. see desire

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1:41 AM

My tired, mascara smeared eyes
Underneath my lazily disheveled mass of hair that sits on top of my head like a bowler hat.
Like a certain Mr. Fudge once wore. My mind is weary and sporadic.
Empty headphones rest in my ears with traces of such "folk" and "indie pop" still ringing.
Genres awkwardly assigned.
My sheets are a mess as I have not been able to get comfortable for days.
Clumsy thoughts ache through me.
Irrational attraction overpowers my better judgement. Consumes my rationality.
The hunger for reciprocated thoughts gnaws at my insecurities.

I'm dramatic.

Wilt

Someday the sun will shine through the moss covered cracks and expose the intricate creatures that try to stay hidden below.


The rays are too strong for your garden,
The heat too much for your flower beds.

Drilled

Don't teach me how to be right.
tolerable.
proper.
righteous.
just.
impeccable.
convenient.
established.


Teach me how to be happy.

Retrospect

I remember the time you left when you could have spent time with us.
I remember the time he got yelled at for his opinions.
I remember the time you hated my friends because they weren't like you.
I remember the time you admitted your mistakes. Your regrets.
I remember the time I discovered your lies.
I remember the time I was too afraid of punishment to voice how I felt.
I remember the time I grew up before I should have needed to.
I remember the time I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat because you told me I ate too much.
I remember the time I prayed the sadness would be gone.
I remember the times I was disappointed.
I remember the time you told me my mother was a liar.
I remember the time he hugged me for the first time in years.
I remember the time I first felt hatred.
I remember the time you lied and said you were proud of me because that's what everyone expected of you.
I remember the time you made me doubt God.
I remember the time I wanted to be free.
I remember the time I no longer looked up to you.

I remember the time I decided to let go.

Encumbrance

We're eternally trapped.
Forever in this rut of
Confusion.
A steel chain on our hearts
But more so on our bodies.

Muzzled in pain,
We refuse to voice our concern.
Too often our own words
Conspire against us,
Leaving us even more speechless than before.

Tongue-tied,
Our minds leave our bodies
Wishing for another vantage point.
Ostracizing our thoughts.
Banishing them to a remote warehouse
Where to stumble upon them
Would be impractical.

Our journey together
Is a futile pursuit.

We may as well turn back now.

Wilderness

Lives.
Tangled together.
Each branch intertwines with another's.
Vines climb our limbs
Spreading affection, disapproval,
Companionship and bitterness.

Some leaves graze our throats,
Threatening to do damage.
Others interlace with our fingers
Withdrawing all worries from our mind.
The trees grow through and around us
Pushing our spirits along with them.
Further into the thicket
Our lives delve.

Each hedge is blooming with wild berries.
The deeper through the branches we go,
The more precious and sweet the juice.
Share your rations with one another.
Indulge.

harmony

Love without thinking.
Live for right now.
Look for the beauty in everything.
Forget regret,
It's time to live.

The world is an adventure.
Explore your life.
Explore your surroundings.
Explore the lives of others.
Ask questions. Dig deep.
Form friendships.
Form connections.
Don't be afraid of attachment.
Stability. Understanding. Relation.
Don't be afraid to love.

Reach out.
Life is now.
It's time.

guts

The things we put on our bodies.
Clothing. Hair dye. Tattoos. Piercings.
They do not make us who we are.
They do not define us.
They do not make us 'good' people or 'bad' people.
They just make us people.
People with opinions.
People with beliefs.
People with ideas and feelings.

It's these things.
These things inside us.
Not literally inside.
These things make us who we are.
These things define us.

When you have those things on the outside.
Those things that make people assume
they know who we are.
When you are put into a category.
When others become prejudice against you.
When others assume they know your life.
You should have something
to prove them wrong.
Opinions. Beliefs. Ideas. Feelings.

Don't just be an empty shell
that relies on its outward appearance
to make an impression.

alone

If there's no one to turn their back on you,
Then you'll never feel a cold shoulder.

If there's no one to lie to you,
Then you'll never be betrayed.

If there's no one to break you down,
Then you'll always stand tall.

If there's no one to support you,
Then there's no one to buckle under the weight.

If there's no one to hold you up,
Then you'll never fall.

If there's no one else,
Then no one will ever fail you.

Whenever

We've been wandering for quite some time now.
Not sure where we are going
But less sure of where we have just been.
We are hopelessly lost.
You are Hansel. I am Gretel.
The crumbs are gone.
They've been swept away.
If by the wind or another that is following us,
Trying to enhance our confusion,
I am unsure.
But I will always be with you.
Whenever you need me.

We will stick it out,
Find our way
Through the rough and the thorns,
Hand in hand.
I will always be here,
Maybe not physically,
But I will always be with you.
Whenever you need me.

We'll be each other's compass.
Help find our own true north.
When the trees are too tall
When the brush is too thick
When the hollow tree casts shadows
That dilute your courage,
I will always be with you
Whenever you need me.

X

The droplets make a trail down my face and back as though they were slugs on their journey to nowhere. If it's the excess water falling from my hair or just mere sweat, I could not tell you. I've been running for a while now. I'm running to no one. I'm running from no one. Or, at least, I don't think I am. I'm not sure anymore. Like the slugs, I'm on a journey to nowhere.
I've always said I hated running. That is still true. The ache in my legs act as a sort of warning. Signaling that the next stride could possibly be my last before I collapse into total exhaustion. The pounding in my chest, my lungs screaming for more. I feel like I'm breathing through a straw. Like I've been dunked without first getting a gasp of air. My throat, oh my throat. The air cuts into it as i gasp for more oxygen. It stabs at my windpipe, threatening me. These are the symptoms. The things that, before now, kept me from going. But this time, they are the things that are keeping me from stopping. I don't mind them now. At least I know I can feel. At least I know I'm alive. Back where I was, back at the beginning, I was't sure of that.
But like I said, the beginning. The beginning of a feeling is never an easy spot to pin point. One can never really think of the exact time that they started to feel alive. What it is that triggers these emotions, is never one person or place. Happiness is not a point A to point B journey. It's a vague, abstruse voyage that one can never fully remember. Or explain. But recognizing the spot where the good things in your life started to deteriorate, where they started to decay, that's easy.
One warning sign. One fake smile. One half hearted laugh. One glance away. That's all it takes. That's all it takes to know it's about to change. That's all it takes to know that from here on out it's not going to be the same. And after you know things are different, it starts to progress faster. You start to notice every little thing. And then all those little things, they drive you crazy. They're all you ever think about. But to do anything about it, to speak up, to confront, out of the question. You don't want to be the one to ruin it all.
It consumes you. You can't get away from it. All you can do is run.

dreams.

The soft shine of the dimming streetlight shone on the grass around us, creating a stage full of actors of an unusual size. The creatures crawling through the blades scare me, but not nearly as much as you do. You laying there. Us laying there. Only us. Nothing stopping us. Nothing stopping the words flowing between us. Nothing breaking the fragile connection we have just formed.. I take that back. I'm not afraid of you. It's your love that I fear. Our love. To be in so deep, too deep to turn back, to be so consumed in one emotion, one feeling. That is what I'm afraid of.
The summer wind blowing the leaves around, the traffic on the other side of the field, your deep inhale as you nervously feel for my hand. These are the sounds I hear. The soft blades sticking between the threads of our blanket, your calloused fingertips back and forth along the soft skin on my forearm, the dry mud stuck to my feet from running through this now peaceful field. These are the things I feel. But I also feel happiness. Happiness as though I've never felt. I realize that every moment up to right now never mattered because you were not there to share it with me.
The traffic. The cars across the mud and the dead harvest. They're getting louder. They're getting closer. A car horn sounds. I wake up.
I never saw your face. I don't know who you are. But I know I loved you.

the lake.

The cool night breeze
and how it tickles the hair on my arms.
The lake water licking at the tips of my toes.
Enticing me to jump in,
To indulge myself in its soft touch,
It's warm caressing waves.
The quiet creak of the hammock
As I look into the night
And wish I was as beautiful as the stars.
The grinding of the gravel underneath my tires
As the golf cart takes me into the darkness.
Take me down a road,
Not sure where it leads
But not a care.
Surrounded by tall stalks of corn.
Too tall to see over.
The fear and anticipation
That any second someone could jump out
And take me away.
And then the relief when I make it back safely.
The inhale and exhale of my loving family
As we share a living space.
The total peace of mind
That nobody around me would ever make me feel sadness.

These are the things that make me happy.
Oh, how my heart longs for these days.

arctic winter.

I just want it to be cold.
A bitter, painful wind
There to hurt me as I walk outside.
Out these doors.
I want to be wrapped up.
To have to be made warm.

I want someone to offer me their warmth.
To share it with me.
To give up some of their own survival.
Their own self.
Their own being.
For me.

But the harsh wind blows,
Biting at my reality.
An acrid, pungent vinegar.
But someday
The aftertaste will pass.
A new experience. A new sweetness.

Liberation

You ask me why I love the rain.

Do you remember the time when I wouldn't walk away from the edge?
I couldn't take my eyes off of the forest that lay in front of us.
The feeling of being taller than the trees.
Being bigger than something that was so powerful.
I didn't even notice you trying to get me to look at you.

It's like that.

And remember that same day when I sat where the sand met the water?
Just sat. Listening. Watching.
Taking in the smell of the salty water,
The sound of the waves pounding against the others,
The view of eternal water.
I didn't even hear you yelling my name.

It's like that.

And did you notice tonight?
There were moments I would get so caught up in the flames.
The flickering against the bricks. The dancing of the light.
The flames consuming the logs, turning them into mere ash.
I didn't even notice your usually infectious laughter.

It's like that.

Liberation.
Being set free
If only for a moment.
Everything else melts away
And it's only me and my heart.
It's in these moments that I'm happiest.
Closest to my true self.
The one that is happy.
The one that I love.
The one that I long to be.

Shoeless.

All they do is restrict us.
Enclosed in such a tight space
All we want to do is
Get out.

Callused. Scarred.
That's the answer.
Learning lessons.
Where to step.
What to watch out for.

If we're always protected,
How are we supposed to learn?
To grow?

How are we supposed to face a world
With thorns and burrs
With soft feet?


I long to be barefoot.