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The droplets make a trail down my face and back as though they were slugs on their journey to nowhere. If it's the excess water falling from my hair or just mere sweat, I could not tell you. I've been running for a while now. I'm running to no one. I'm running from no one. Or, at least, I don't think I am. I'm not sure anymore. Like the slugs, I'm on a journey to nowhere.
I've always said I hated running. That is still true. The ache in my legs act as a sort of warning. Signaling that the next stride could possibly be my last before I collapse into total exhaustion. The pounding in my chest, my lungs screaming for more. I feel like I'm breathing through a straw. Like I've been dunked without first getting a gasp of air. My throat, oh my throat. The air cuts into it as i gasp for more oxygen. It stabs at my windpipe, threatening me. These are the symptoms. The things that, before now, kept me from going. But this time, they are the things that are keeping me from stopping. I don't mind them now. At least I know I can feel. At least I know I'm alive. Back where I was, back at the beginning, I was't sure of that.
But like I said, the beginning. The beginning of a feeling is never an easy spot to pin point. One can never really think of the exact time that they started to feel alive. What it is that triggers these emotions, is never one person or place. Happiness is not a point A to point B journey. It's a vague, abstruse voyage that one can never fully remember. Or explain. But recognizing the spot where the good things in your life started to deteriorate, where they started to decay, that's easy.
One warning sign. One fake smile. One half hearted laugh. One glance away. That's all it takes. That's all it takes to know it's about to change. That's all it takes to know that from here on out it's not going to be the same. And after you know things are different, it starts to progress faster. You start to notice every little thing. And then all those little things, they drive you crazy. They're all you ever think about. But to do anything about it, to speak up, to confront, out of the question. You don't want to be the one to ruin it all.
It consumes you. You can't get away from it. All you can do is run.