Tonight I stood looking out my window
As a girl on a stretcher was put into an ambulance
Wishing I believed in a god

More times than not the couple has sat in silence, like now in his car, both upset about things so petty they won't remember them tomorrow. Sitting in front of a deserted park, they each wait, wishing the other to state their feelings so they won't have to admit their own. It's a nice park, and a very nice day. Nice enough that neither of the young adults have on any type of jacket. Nice enough that its strange for the park to be void of little children running around, giving their parents a break.
"What are you thinking?"
"A bunch of stuff."
These two lines have been exchanged between the couple more than most others, with "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and "I really do love you" coming in close behind.
A truck pulls up a couple parking spaces in front of the couple and what looks like a 4 year old little girl and her father shut their doors and walk onto the wood chips. She runs away while he sits on the bench and watches, but not too intently.
"Why are you upset?"
"What?"
He's mumbling. He always mumbles and She never listens very closely.
"What are you upset about?"
"Just...stuff."
She wishes she hadn't brought it up at all. Her reasons for staying silent the whole ride now feel very insignificant. Embarrassed, She turns away. He sighs. He thinks She's mad at him.
It's almost amazing how their relationship can change so easily. Thirty minutes ago the young lovers were kissing in his garage. Thirty minutes later the two sit silent with their lips far, far apart.
She loathes herself for how she makes him feel. But she never remembers until after the deed is already done. Time after time, She insists on pointing out his tiny flaws while He sits their telling her she is perfect. No one deserves that.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
The little girls lets out her squeal of excitement as her dad pushes her on the swing. Each time he lets go her little legs kick and her arm muscles tighten as she holds on for her life. Thrilled and trembling, the daughter loves her father for his attention.
The young adult watches and loathes and resents.
She's not even thinking about Him anymore. She's the little girl playing while her father pretends to care for her.
She hears the door open and slam before she can even remember something is wrong.
"Shit."
An engine starts and as she looks up the daughter and father and pulling away. They're leaving.

July Seventh

The eye of the storm.
The calmness of it all.
Beauty. Peace. Happiness.
My heart beats in the eye.
Those consumed in the wind,
They pay no attention to it,
To the goodness.
All they see is pain.
All they see is suffering.
All they see is all they are.
Look into the eye.
Look into my heart.

The Sun God

My life has been a venture through the woods,
Never finding a way out.
I've just been stuck in the thick of it all.
Surrounded.

The sun and the moon,
They yell instructions.
Ways to escape.
Which paths to take,
what rivers to cross.
But the moon is pulling me one way
And the sun the other.

I am suffocating in the brush.
I can not see from their perspectives.
I know not where I am going,
Only where I am being led.
I rely on two opposing factors.

Only when the sun and the moon
Are enlightened upon the same goal
Will I ever reach freedom.

I shall never escape.

My joints are creaking and my lips are chapped.
I'm ready for a new phase of life.

Another Nightmare.

My clothes are wet from the rain.
I'm blinded.
You smell of cologne and cigarettes.
The seats of your cheap car scratch my bare thighs.
My mind sways.
I reach out to steady myself.
My hand rests on the dashboard.
You reach out to cover it with yours.
I can't feel.
I can't breathe.
I look into your eyes.
That's the last thing I remember.

I-57

The blue/black sky makes me think of my childhood.
It's simple
But feels as if it goes on forever,
Full of wondrous stars and memories.


My eyes burn from staring straight forward.

I want to walk until I can't feel my legs.
Until the wind whips just hard enough at my face.
Until my cheeks start to lose the warmth they usually possess.
My toes won't be able to keep balance anymore.
My lips won't be able to form words.
My eyes will blink fast, pushing back tears
That were brought forth by fear and the chilled air.
My movement will slow into a stand still.
My brain will void all doubt. All thought.
My heart won't be able to handle the cold air.
My heart won't be able to handle your cold nature.
It will make one last leap of faith and plummet,
Desperately groping for something to hold on to all the way down.
I will stop trying.
I will stop failing
I will stop worrying.
I want to stop worrying.


But instead, I came inside.
Instead, I sat down.

As much as I wish I could,
I will never be able to leave.

You are my greatest weakness.

The thought came to me before I could stop myself.
I was scared that I had thought it but my fear did not change my mind.


"What's the point?"

3:51 AM

I love being cold.
I adore breathing in the stimulating midnight air.
To feel my comforter tangled with my sheets and my limbs.
Although, it is not comforting yet as it is just as cold as the air surrounding us,
Once my body shares some of its warmth
The comfort will paralyze me for as long as I wish.

My body longs for November.

Revel in the songs of the cicadas.
They will lull you into slumber deeper than any fairytale.

yearning

-noun
1. deep longing especially when accompanied by tenderness or sadness.
2. an instance of such longing.

-synonyms
1. see desire

--------------------------------------------

1:41 AM

My tired, mascara smeared eyes
Underneath my lazily disheveled mass of hair that sits on top of my head like a bowler hat.
Like a certain Mr. Fudge once wore. My mind is weary and sporadic.
Empty headphones rest in my ears with traces of such "folk" and "indie pop" still ringing.
Genres awkwardly assigned.
My sheets are a mess as I have not been able to get comfortable for days.
Clumsy thoughts ache through me.
Irrational attraction overpowers my better judgement. Consumes my rationality.
The hunger for reciprocated thoughts gnaws at my insecurities.

I'm dramatic.

Wilt

Someday the sun will shine through the moss covered cracks and expose the intricate creatures that try to stay hidden below.


The rays are too strong for your garden,
The heat too much for your flower beds.

Drilled

Don't teach me how to be right.
tolerable.
proper.
righteous.
just.
impeccable.
convenient.
established.


Teach me how to be happy.

Retrospect

I remember the time you left when you could have spent time with us.
I remember the time he got yelled at for his opinions.
I remember the time you hated my friends because they weren't like you.
I remember the time you admitted your mistakes. Your regrets.
I remember the time I discovered your lies.
I remember the time I was too afraid of punishment to voice how I felt.
I remember the time I grew up before I should have needed to.
I remember the time I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat because you told me I ate too much.
I remember the time I prayed the sadness would be gone.
I remember the times I was disappointed.
I remember the time you told me my mother was a liar.
I remember the time he hugged me for the first time in years.
I remember the time I first felt hatred.
I remember the time you lied and said you were proud of me because that's what everyone expected of you.
I remember the time you made me doubt God.
I remember the time I wanted to be free.
I remember the time I no longer looked up to you.

I remember the time I decided to let go.

Encumbrance

We're eternally trapped.
Forever in this rut of
Confusion.
A steel chain on our hearts
But more so on our bodies.

Muzzled in pain,
We refuse to voice our concern.
Too often our own words
Conspire against us,
Leaving us even more speechless than before.

Tongue-tied,
Our minds leave our bodies
Wishing for another vantage point.
Ostracizing our thoughts.
Banishing them to a remote warehouse
Where to stumble upon them
Would be impractical.

Our journey together
Is a futile pursuit.

We may as well turn back now.

Wilderness

Lives.
Tangled together.
Each branch intertwines with another's.
Vines climb our limbs
Spreading affection, disapproval,
Companionship and bitterness.

Some leaves graze our throats,
Threatening to do damage.
Others interlace with our fingers
Withdrawing all worries from our mind.
The trees grow through and around us
Pushing our spirits along with them.
Further into the thicket
Our lives delve.

Each hedge is blooming with wild berries.
The deeper through the branches we go,
The more precious and sweet the juice.
Share your rations with one another.
Indulge.

harmony

Love without thinking.
Live for right now.
Look for the beauty in everything.
Forget regret,
It's time to live.

The world is an adventure.
Explore your life.
Explore your surroundings.
Explore the lives of others.
Ask questions. Dig deep.
Form friendships.
Form connections.
Don't be afraid of attachment.
Stability. Understanding. Relation.
Don't be afraid to love.

Reach out.
Life is now.
It's time.

guts

The things we put on our bodies.
Clothing. Hair dye. Tattoos. Piercings.
They do not make us who we are.
They do not define us.
They do not make us 'good' people or 'bad' people.
They just make us people.
People with opinions.
People with beliefs.
People with ideas and feelings.

It's these things.
These things inside us.
Not literally inside.
These things make us who we are.
These things define us.

When you have those things on the outside.
Those things that make people assume
they know who we are.
When you are put into a category.
When others become prejudice against you.
When others assume they know your life.
You should have something
to prove them wrong.
Opinions. Beliefs. Ideas. Feelings.

Don't just be an empty shell
that relies on its outward appearance
to make an impression.

alone

If there's no one to turn their back on you,
Then you'll never feel a cold shoulder.

If there's no one to lie to you,
Then you'll never be betrayed.

If there's no one to break you down,
Then you'll always stand tall.

If there's no one to support you,
Then there's no one to buckle under the weight.

If there's no one to hold you up,
Then you'll never fall.

If there's no one else,
Then no one will ever fail you.